If I Controlled the Internet

"If I controlled the internet, you could auction your broken heart on eBay..."



Unfortunately I don't control the internet and unfortunately it is currently being auctioned.

Land Ho!

Gooooooooooooooooood morning dusty blog! I am so, so, so sorry for neglecting you. It's been so long that the spammers have finally located me. The only comments popping up on in my inbox nowadays are penis enlargement "comments" and make $1000 a day staring at your computer "comments". I think it is finally time to re-surface!

Life has been extremely productive and extremely busy! During my pregnancy with Mela I hatched a plan for our future. It was the wind back if you will. As soon as little Mela came and saw us I commenced with the follow through and I've been commencing every since.

Mela is doing fantastically well. She is 7 months old now! I can hardly believe it. She is a busy little bee and working on crawling...

eating...

taking baths...

and just overall loving her little life...

As for Momma, well she's busy loving her little Mela...

Oh and more! So much more! Since I've talked to you guys last I've been able to do a lot of things! Last November I went back to school and got certified as a nurses assistant here in the state of Texas. I started working immediately. Shortly after that I applied to a nursing program at one of the local colleges here and was accepted! In June I'll start nursing school and I am beyond excited. Things are really starting to come together and it feels fantastic. 

In personal news I've lost 50 lbs! (woooo!) I have about 30 more to go but I'm well on my way. The new healthy lifestyle feels fantastic. Eating right (most of the time!), exercise, and balance are just the things I was missing.  

Socially and romantically things are pretty quiet. It's not that there aren't options out there, it's just the way I prefer them right now. Life is so hectic keeping up with a work schedule, a little baby, and reaching my fitness goals.  Adding too much else throws off the balance I mentioned above. 

There is a line from a poem written by author and spoken word artist Mary Fons. It's from her poem "Cliffhanger: For Norma" (video of her performing it below), it goes "I haven't lost my edge, I just don't live on it anymore". This has been a resounding thought echoing through my head when I fear I've become a boring old lady. 

Watch papergirl : live - "cliffhanger: for norma" in Entertainment  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

For now this is all you'll get. (Ha!) Just kidding of course. For those of you that stayed, I love you! For those of you that have left, you'll be back! : ) Stay well my friends and we'll talk again soon. 

Happy Birthday to You, Mela Mae!

On August 3rd, 2010 at 7:51am the love of my life took her first breath. She weighed in at 7 lbs, 12 oz and measured 20 inches long. A perfect baby girl.

The birthing experience was the single most terrifying and spectacular thing I have ever experienced in my life.

All along my sister had a theory that Mela would be born on August 3rd because it was the halfway mark between her birthday and my birthday. Never in my life did I actually think that this was possible. Then again she has always been the "lucky" one of the two of us. She's the person who can put a couple of quarters in one of those claw machines at the arcade and pull a stuff animal up on her first turn. So why I ever doubted her prediction of August 3rd is beyond me. (Hey Keh-say, maybe you should consider a career as a baby delivery date bookie? Think about it.)

 Mela and her proud Aunt

At 5:40 pm on August 2nd I felt a "pop" in my lower abdomen. As soon as I felt it I knew my water broke (or better I knew that if it WASN'T my water breaking then I had no idea WHAT it was). I stood up and sure enough, it was the water. A huge smile spread across my face because I knew it was time to rock and roll. Baby was on her way. However, in the next minute it dawned on me. Oh. My. God. Before baby comes L-A-B-O-R. "Am I ready for this? Can I do this? I can't do this. I'm not ready for this. Holy crap. Holy crap. Holy crap. Ok, calm down. Just breathe. You have this. Call your sister. Call someone. Get them home. Call the hospital. Ok. Ok. Ok."

Mommy and Mela on the way home from the hopital.

We loaded up the crew, made some important "it's time!" phone calls and headed out. The ride was pretty uneventful. Adrenaline was coursing through my body the entire way there. We reached our destination and got settled into the hospital room. My support network was amazing. (And it's not just me saying that, the nurses loved them too!). Six of us were crammed into a tiny room with only 2 chairs and the hospital bed. It was tight quarters but true to form we spent the whole time laughing and being joyful. The contractions were coming strong and hard but there was so much light in the room overflowing from everyone's spirit that they were completely do'able.

First doctor's appt.

Everything was seemingly going smooth. The midwife said that Mela probably wouldn't be joining us until 11 am on the 3rd so around 2 am my two good friends and father went home to catch some rest before Mela's big debut. Mela's dad and my sister stayed.

The three of us were just relaxing and enjoying the journey until suddenly 5 nurses and the midwife rushed into the room. They started telling me to "turn to the left side, turn to the right", one strapped an oxygen mask on, one was by the monitors taking notes. As soon as everything settled down they explained that Mela's heart rate had dropped. They were trying to move me into a position to get her heart rate back up. They turned off the Pitocin and waited to see if my labor would progress on its own. This was incredibly scary because I had no idea that there had been a problem until the nurses rushed in. Being that out of touch with my body, especially this sacred cargo I was carrying was disconcerting.
I kept praying, begging, hoping for Mela to be ok. I couldn't imagine, just could not imagine coming this far only for something to happen to her. No way. We had gone through so much together, come so far. God couldn't do this! He wouldn't do this. Please, God, don't do this. Bring her to us safely.

Several hours and two heart rate drops later my body was not progressing towards labor and they decided that a c section was needed. Within the hour of this decision I was being wheeled off to the operating room.

I was relieved, disappointed, and TERRIFIED. A part of me was relieved because I honestly didn't know if I had it in me to go through natural labor. When we first arrived at the hospital the midwife checked to see how far dilated I was and my eyes about rolled back in my head. I was 2 cm. Yah, enough said.

Another part of me was disappointed because in a weird way I was looking forward to the birthing experience. It's a woman's right of passage to motherhood and I am slightly sad that I missed out on that.

I was TERRIFIED because I have never had any sort of surgery before, let alone major surgery. Major surgery you are AWAKE during. As soon as they loaded my up onto the operating table the shakes started in. Any part of my body that wasn't totally devoid of feeling thanks to the anesthesia was shaking violently and uncontrollably. No matter what I said, or what I told myself I just couldn't pep talk myself into stillness.

After an eternity I finally heard that beautiful cry. Seeing her was surreal. I had no idea what to expect and when I saw her, in the same moment that I knew she was my baby girl I was also mystified and curious by this miraculous creature.

Mela and I have been home for 3 weeks now. Recovery has been difficult but miraculous in itself. To feel my body go from A to Z and back to A again (well technically I think I'm only at G right now...) is pretty incredible. It really makes me realize how much we are capable of as people. It's pretty astonishing what the human body can do!

Mommyhood feels like nothing I've every felt before. I love being a mom. I love being Mela's mom. She is so beautiful, so wonderful, and has absolutely captured my heart.

I want to share more on the mommy aspect but Mela and I are in the thick of feeding every 2-3 hours. She should be waking up in about an hour and I need to get some shut eye! Sleep when baby sleeps right?

More to come, I promise. She's my hottest topic these days and I'll talk (or type) to anyone willing to listen.

Your Body Is A... Wonderland????????

Oi vey, aye carumba! My how we've changed in a year. (When I say "we" I mean "me"). The top photo was taken in July 2009. The second photo is July 2010.

Today has been a rough day for personal body image. Over the last week or so I've been painfully aware of my body whether it be because my cellulite seems to be creeping lower and lower down my thighs or because contractions and cramping are popping in to say "hi" (I'd rather they call ahead. Dropping by without warning is just plain rude).  Not to mention walking, sitting, standing, and laying are uncomfortable due to stretching ligaments.

That being said, today I had an appointment with the midwife. Usually they are three lovely ladies (and they really are lovely) helping out the preggo princesses but today there was one. The other two were on vacation and jury duty respectively. This meant hanging out for an hour in the stuffy waiting room on uncomfortable chairs with stretching ligaments and then another hour waiting in a little room with florescent lights with stretching ligaments. Thank goodness Ms. Kelse (my incredibly patient sister) was there or else I might have caved into my impatient preg-motions.

Eventually the midwife (I've never met with this one before. Word in the nurses corner was that she is the "big boss" that came in for reinforcement) came in to listen to the baby's heartbeat and take her measurements. She was nice enough but one of those people that spoke to you at a very close interval. So close that it takes you aback and any questions or comments you previously were hanging onto go hide in the tongue dispenser jar. Perhaps that was her strategy to effectively see all of the patients today. "By invading their personal space they'll forget the questions and it will cut each visit's time length in half..." I keed, I keed. She was very patient and in no way did I feel rushed but it was definitely a little uncomfortable speaking with someone nose to nose.

When I raised my shirt and lowered my increda-elasta-pants she commented, "Those are quite the stretch marks you have going on there". Oh dear. Not exactly what a 38 week'er is longing to hear. Trying to maybe glean some advice from the situation I asked her if she had any inside advice for getting rid of them. "If I had the answer to that, I'd be rich! Just kidding. They will fade over time though." Uhm. DEFINITELY not what a 38 week'er is longing to hear. Especially considering that she is a woman who looks at preg bellies all day long and felt the need to comment on the stretch marks I had dancing across mine.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at the lady. It's just that the experience was not exactly a mood lifter.

After the appointment I came home and decided to put the stretch marks out of my mind and do some labor research. Labor has been something I've been reading about but deathly afraid to revisit the birthing videos I'd watched 4 months into pregnancy. Tonight I decided to tackle that fear and watch them again because I feel as if now that I know more about the process, watching it isn't as scary. This proved to be very true and I was able to make it through and calm some birthing fears. However, something I noticed while watching these videos was that the ladies were remarkably stretch mark free. Shit. Guess the stretch mark experience today didn't get put quite as far out of mind as I originally thought.

Finally I was weeding through all of my preg e-mails and I saw this little tool for a pregnancy weight gain tracker. Now why I thought it was a good idea to follow the link, I have no idea. It wasn't, it isn't, I will never do it again (or maybe I went back and did it several other times with fictional numbers, whatever). Turns out I've gained 52 lbs instead of the 46 lbs I had originally thought.

You may think 6 lbs, big difference. Uhm, it is actually a HUGE difference. Going from 40 to 46 isn't so bad, but hitting a new 10's bracket is absolutely devastating. Especially if you were a fat kid growing up. (I was).

Certain members of my family were brutal about it. There was the grandparent that would comment on my two chins or say things like "ohh, Jessie you looked skinny in that picture" and then there was the step-mom that despised anything overweight. She made her distaste for me known while I went through my fat awkward stage and loved everything about my cute little sister. Once I grew out of my awkward fat phase and into a slimmer more adult look my sister entered her and the distaste shifted from me to my sister. After speaking and knowing her years later I came to realize that she is simply one of those people that dislikes anything overweight whether it was my sister and I, the neighbor, her new husband, and even herself when she'd packed on a couple of extra pounds.

At one point I recall my mom even telling me that she felt like a failure every time she looked at me because of my weight. The point is that from a young age I have always been extremely aware of those numbers on the scale.

Moving to NYC really helped open up the tunnel vision I'd previously had about my body and my college room buds rubbed off me in a very positive way. They were beautiful girls of three varying shapes that each had an electric confidence about them. Through them I was able to learn that it wasn't the body that mattered but ultimately health and inner fulfillment that makes us beautiful.

The pregnancy weight however has really thrown me for a loop. Suddenly that sexy confident girl I've known in myself over the last 6 years all of the sudden feels like an overweight twelve year old girl wrapped in a towel hanging out by the fence at the public pool hoping and praying that her plain black bathing suit will magically hide the 20 or 30 lbs the other twelve year old girls don't have.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE and can't wait for Miss Mela to get here. The extra pounds are a very small sacrifice for the little miracle that she is. However, this is the post where I take off my "mommy" perspective hat and I replace it with my "Jessie" perspective hat. I am a mother, a sister, and above all, a woman. Weight is something all of us ladies deal with, no?

So ladies. That is my body confession for the eve.

Alright ladies time to fess up. How much weight did you gain during pregnancy, how did you get it off, and how long did it take you? Also I wanna hear from you non-moms out there! Have you gone through a significant weight gain? How are you have you overcome it or how are you actively overcoming it?

P.S. While uploading the photo seen at the top of this post I ran across this one:

Final, final, final thought? My heart just melted and she is totally worth it. The stretch marks, the weight gain. This just snapped everything back into perspective. (Although next pregnancy I'll go easy on the trips to local Bar-B-Q joint T-Bone Toms). 

ROFLMAO...QRSTUVWXYZ

Check these out. They gave me a good chuckle on this eve of feeling extremely preggo and old (my midwife said that pregnancy ages you and I completely 100% agree with that statement).

Feeling Quite Pregnant

With two and a half weeks left until D-Day my pregnancy is in full force.

My feet look like sausages with slits cut in one end (aka toes) and I'm pretty sure my underwear are big enough to be used as parachutes.

New favorite hobby: Balancing things on my stomach and seeing how long it takes for Mela to kick them off. Yep. She's pretty much awesome.

I'm very excited for her to get here. I feel like everything is in order and now it's just a matter of waiting for her to come.

Shower? Check (and was AWESOME. Will post pics soon)!

Infant care class? Check!

Infant CPR/Safety? Check!

Car seat on order? Check!

Crib? Check!

Nursery? Check!

Clothes/socks/etc? Check!

Hospital bag packed? Check!

Tutu made for her "going home" with a pink onsie and headband-bow-as-big-as-her-head outfit? Check! Check! Check!

Mela girl, we have you covered. Now all you have to do is get here. We're ready for you girlfriend.

Bitchin' Blog

Seriously considering changing the theme of this mug to a platform for bitching. That's what it is starting to feel like.

I am in a shit mood today, which means I'll probably be swearing a lot in this post. (Tally thus far: III)

What is ailing my peace in particular today? People who set expectations and don't fulfill them. Folks, wouldn't it have been easier just to have kept your mouth shut in the first place than say anything at all?

Sometimes people say they want something but when the pedal reaches the metal it appears they just wanted to collect the idea of the thing they wanted rather than bother with the follow through of actually taking on the responsibility of what that thing requires to attain/maintain.

They say they are all in, 100% committed and then once you get about five steps down the path, they bail. Then you are left with 100+ damn near impossible tasks that you HAVE to complete. Not completing them isn't option because then either a) someone gets hurt and/or b) you look like an ass.

Whatever. It's not worth it. I'm beyond over this.

(On the bright side? I didn't end up swearing nearly as much as I thought I would! Yippee!)

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

My dear friend Ky Hoelscher has submitted a video to Oprah's website auditioning for a show on her new network OWN. Follow the link, have a look at his vid and vote him through to a TV near you.

VOTE HERE!

Paradigm Shift

 Today I took Mela in (of course, she goes wherever I go) to have a 4D ultrasound. It. Was. Awesome. The cherry on top of the whipped cream that was this week. 

Nothing particularly out of the ordinary (4D scan aside) took place this week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, all came in the same order, same pace, and pretty much all unfolded about the same. What DID happen was a mental shift that's been a long time in the making. As I've said many a time, positive thinking is hard work. Exercise. You have to flex a set of muscles that most of us are not used to flexing. This week while staring in the mental mirror, I finally spotted some definition. 

I've seen the other side of the equation and it is brilliant! So much opportunity, joy, success, and overall excitement lies ahead. 

Mela is a huge part of the paradigm shift. This week the miracle of her existence has set in. 

Prior to this week I'd been consumed with worry at night. I'd lie in bed with questions swirling around my head: How am I going to do this by myself? How will I provide for her? Will she be happy? Why is this situation so difficult? Why do people act the way they do? Do I even know what I want to be when I grow up? Will her and I be perpetually trying to keep the wolf away from the door? Etc. etc. etc. (Off topic but every time I say or write "etc. etc. etc." I think of this, starts at mark 2:10.) 

Finally I found myself pleading with the good Lord above to send some sort of relief. To give me some clarity and/or peace on the situation. I'm not sure what the maximum decibel is for mental pleading but I'm sure I reached it, if not exceeded it.

After that last night of pleading God delivered joy and peace just as sure as He does the morning (I felt a little like this but on a much smaller scale). While the change itself was not sudden, the realization certainly was. The change has been steady. Positivity, prospect, hope, slowly creeping in with every negative thought I've actively fought off. It was until I was re-evaluating my life that I spotted the change. It was the best feeling to finally feel like I had some perspective on things, to finally realize how small some things are in regards to grand scale of life.

You know how sometimes you KNOW things shouldn't be as big of a deal as they are but that information hasn't reached your heart yet? So while you know that it's wrong/futile to be upset it's hard to actually not be? That's what I was struggling with before the peace set in.

When the peace hit I was able to see the sheer brilliance of what lies ahead for Mela and I. We have a lot going for us girls and I can't wait to see her dreams and mine come to fruition.

Now, when I lay in bed at night, instead of worry, I praise on instant repeat. At the highest possible mental decibel level I praise and thank God for this little baby growing inside of me. She is such a little miracle. Seeing the 4D scan only helps further drive those feelings home. She is so beautiful and so blessed to be coming into an environment where I know she is loved. She will be taken care of. While her and I will have bumps in our path, we will never reach a point we can't return from. We've got a great support system in place.

There is a spoken word piece called "Sign Language" (see below) by a poet who goes by the name of Rives. The piece is about his experience working with kids at a def high school. He goes through the various types of poems the kids write and his perspective as someone listening. It is very powerful and beautifully written like all of his other work. While his topic is totally different than my post tonight, the last few lines of his piece reflect the earnesty and sincerity I feel every night for the gift that is Mela.

Original lines: "I was born as def and as quiet as a starfish but if I had been born a man I would pray to the Lord above every night at the top of my fucking lungs just to thank Him for giving me voice."

Personal adaptation: "I've been as selfish and clueless as a teenager for many years but since I've become a mother, each night I pray to the good Lord above as loudly and exuberantly as I possibly can just to thank Him for giving me Mela."

Each night as I fall asleep, I hold her and can't help but count every last lucky star I've ever had because she is on her way.

***

"Sign Language"



***

Paradigm shifts are "the springtime that always seems to show up right after the winter" (a line from another great piece which I have also posted below). The shifts will come and eventually we will tire of them, bury them, and make room for more. It is my wish that whatever and wherever yours may be, that it hops on the good foot and reaches you soon.

If it feels like it's never going to come, just wait a little bit longer, I promise that if you do the work, it has no choice but to arrive. For those whose paradigm shift is still en route I leave you with the piece below. I know that any time I've felt stagnant, lost, confused, hopeless, it helps re-ignite that "life" fire in my soul. Hopefully you feel it too.

"Shake the Dust"
Anis Mojgani

Cute DIY Dry Erase Part 2

In my last post I shared with you instructions on how to make a super cute dry erase board. Today, I'm bringing you my finished product. Over the weekend I tried it myself.

I picked up the frames at a resale shop for $16 (I probably could have found cheaper but I had a specific sort of frame in mind) and some fabric from the sewing shop my sister works at.

The project itself did not take long at all. I repainted one of the frames which is what was the most time consuming but I didn't mind because I like that artsy fartsy stuff. I'm not crazy about the fabric combo with the painted frame but I'm going to let it sink in before deciding to switch it out.

Below check out the finished product. I'd highly recommend this project to anyway. Easy, cheap, and very fun!

Cute DIY Dry Erase

Today I visited my sisters place of employment to pick out some fabric for my new (!) kick ass vegas retro style apron (will pose pics when my camera is charged).

When at the store I fell in love with all of the fabrics the store had to offer. There were colors, and patterns, and ribbons galore. It made me wish I were more of a seamstress diva but K's (sister) cornered that market for our family. For every skill I have in the kitchen I lack in front of a sewing machine.

I have no clue what I would make with all of that fabric but I just want to own it and hug it (mine! mine! mine!).

However, where there is a will, there is a way and behold, I have FOUND THE WAY! It meets all of my criteria.

-DIY
-FABULOUS FABRIC
-NO. SEWING.
-(Jesus totally loves me)

Allow me to share with you da da daaaaaaaaaaan....

DIY dry erase board made with fabric behind glass. Find instructions here. 

Update

So I'll warn you that this update is going to be weak sauce.

Today I got to say goodbye to old friends and hello to new friends. It was nice to see some familiar faces that have recently become unfamiliar. Lately (pretty much since the pink plus sign showed up on that fateful stick. I've become a recluse because I'm trying to stock pile all of the "quiet time" I can before my Mela gets here. I can't wait to meet her but I'm savoring the silence while I can), I've had to force myself to be social and at the end of the time, usually,  I'm glad I did. Today I am.

I'm still grappling with making a decision in a couple of areas. I know what I want to do but now the question is, do I have the balls and follow through to actually do it? That's where the rub lies. My dad's 3W (third wife) says/used to say "do what you feel is the best decision for you and fuck. what. everyone. else. says. about it".

On the one hand, I am only responsible for me and my daughter. So why do I feel as if it is my responsibility to make sure everyone else gets an equal quality opportunity at things? I mean after all, I'm not the one that made the poor and sloppy decisions moved the situations to this point. So why is it my responsibility to change and bend to their demands? They aren't actually changing or bettering themselves, they are just saying they are. Your mouth is moving in one direction but your feet are going another.

The answer is that it's not my responsibility (despite what they may try and sell me). Even though my actions may appear selfish/unfair to people on the outside, I've got very good reasons for making the decisions I've made when I've made with these people. See, here I go. I'm justifying and explaining something that doesn't need an explanation. To cyberspace even! Oy vey.

Dealing with addicts is a nightmare. It is a helpless and awful feeling. Addicts are inherently selfish and will stop at nothing to protect their addiction.

Recently I had someone that is close to me tell me that I have not been behaving according to a certain role. This person is an addict. It frustrated me to the point of a chuckle (laughter is my go to action in situations like these). Was this person kidding? Of course I haven't been behaving according to my role. This person spiraled out of control years ago and in order to protect myself I had to separate myself from them.

They acted as if that separation was the easiest, most natural thing in the world for me (it actually was probably one of the hardest boundaries I have ever had to set with someone). Boundaries aren't easy nor fun to set with people. Especially when these people are adults. The fact that I am actually having to state, set, and follow through on said boundaries speaks volumes for the lack of respect you have (or have had in the past) towards our relationship.

Dealing with an addict is a no win situation. It's similar to someone that has to have their arm amputated because of severe case of gangrene. Yes, the amputation is saving your life but you're still losing an arm. A vital limb that you've relied and depended on your entire life up until this point. Learning to live without that arm is neither pleasant nor preferred.

Because of everything I am flexing a set of muscles I've never flexed before. At first, it's extremely difficult, damn near impossible. However, the more I do it, the easier it gets. Eventually I'd like to be like my girl Peggy and ask "Is that all there is?" (the dancing more so than the booze)

On another note, I believe that I am one step closer to figuring out what I would like to be when I grow up. Lately I've been looking into school, drawing up business plans, and putting a plan of action together.

It feels good to be pursuing something, to have goals again. Awhile back life knocked me off of my horse and I finally feel ready to climb in that saddle, click my heels, and shout "yee-haw" once again. It's a nice feeling.

These days I can't control but much but what I can control THIS moment. Not the last and certainly not the next. What I have is right now. This moment, this time, this choice to be happy, peaceful, and worry free.

I'll leave you with two of my favorite songs of late. The first song I've loved for a very long time. However, I just recently listened to the lyrics and fell even more in love with the tune.

A long time ago
A million years BC
The best things in life
Were absolutely free.
But no one appreciated
A sky that was always blue.
And no one congratulated
A moon that was always new.
So it was planned that they would vanish now and them
And you must pay before you get them back again.
That's what storms were made for
And you shouldn't be afraid for
Every time it rains it rains
Pennies from heaven.
Don't you know each cloud contains
Pennies from heaven.
You'll find yor fortune falling
All over town.
Be sure that your umbrella is upside down.
Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers.
If you want the things you love
You must have showers.
So when you hear it thunder
Don't run under a tree.
There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me 


The second does not have much to do with my post. I simply love the song and thought I'd share. The lyrics and harmonies take me to another place. Time suspends, my soul feels weightless and free when I listen to it. Enjoy.

Conquer or Be Conquered

Rabi Khan "Soul Bird 2"

There are days that will completely destroy you and then there are days that will build you up to a point where you're ready to battle again.

Positive thinking is an exercise. It doesn't come easily or naturally to any of us. Rather, it is a skill that needs to be honed with relentless effort.

Today the refusal to let negativity into my life paid off. The commitment to not let my emotions run me and determine my day. The idea that we are in control of our mind. That our dominant thoughts today control where we go tomorrow.

Today the chant "...just rise above, just rise above. You will overcome this, you will over come this..." finally took hold in my heart.

Today in the quiet, I found my voice.

Today I can confidently say that I fought the good fight...

and I won.

: )

I've Got the Look

Haute Look!
Gilt Groupe!
Totsy!

So either I'm waaaaaaay behind the curve here or I'm about the change your friggin' life. These sites are my new obsession. Each site is dedicated to "sample sales" for higher end products. They feature popular brands at 60%-80% off the original prices. The products range from women's clothing, men's clothing, children's toys, clothing, housewares, beauty products, shoes (!), jewelry, etc.

Some of the brands being featured right now are Donald J. Pliner, American Apparel, Right Bank Babies, ALEX toys, City Scene, Swiss Legend Watches, Wallpaper City Guide... and the list goes on and on.

Totsy is strictly children's products and Gilt Groupe and Haute Look are both combined men, women, children, jewelry, house, etc.

Haute Look

Gilt Groupe

Each site has 10+ sales going on and each brand probably 20-30 different products on sale. The above pictures are there to give you a little tastelette of the discounts.

The sites are "invite" only so if you want to join e-mail me at schmacksmcgee@gmail.com and I'll send you an invite for the sites. They will definitely approve you. The invite is more of a formality than anything else.

Happy shopping lovers! (P.S. I definitely *did not*, read: did, just type in "livers" instead of "lovers". Annnnnnnnd I'm out.)

*Update: WANT

$900, he he he, that's funny. Maybe one day...

Some People

It's been a frustrating week to say the least. More than frustrating actually. The emotions I've been battling are anger, frustration, shame, humiliation, etc. Every day has been an emotional war, the prize being peace of mind. Some moments I've failed and some I've prevailed. Each moment is a battle and it's exhausting.

Who is winning? It's still too soon to say. Some times I've conquered, other times failed miserably. I've closed the door to strife in my life and I'm working on turning away from any additional strife tossed in my general direction. Doing this engages a whole new set of muscles I am not used to working. It is my hope that eventually this will become easier. As of right now? Not so easy because I've got a big mouth and an even bigger arsenal of opinions. Knowing when to exercise what is proving difficult.

Maybe one day I will go into detail of what I'm letting "rent my mind" (as my Aunt Pam and Mela's namesake, would say). Today is not that day.

Today is actually the day that I am going to share with you something that has made me feel better. It's an odd way of coping but when negative thoughts overwhelm me and mentally talking myself back isn't working I've actually taken to Google. Weird right? It's either an ingenious solution or just shows how desperate I am to get any sort of positive leverage on the beast.

How exactly am I using Google to help me? I simply google whatever is ailing me. For example the other night anger was the prevailing emotion. After the mantra of "it's not worth it... rise above... you are better than this... this doesn't even register on the radar of the bigger picture..." failed I started Googling quotes on anger. Reading things that great minds and world contributers had to say quickly brought me back to zen. Very soon after my anger transformed into laughter and the sheer absurdity of it all. I can proudly say that now when I think back onto that particular piece of the convoluted puzzle, I've got laughter bubbling instead of blood boiling.

Below please find some of the quotes that I found comforting.

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of peace of mind.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson 


“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.” -Dr. Laurence J. Peter 


“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” -Buddha 


“Anyone who angers you conquers you”


“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.” -Plato


“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses.” -William Arthur Wade


“He is a fool who cannot be angry; but he is a wise man who will not”


“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.” -James Thurber


“The truth shall make you free, but first it shall make you angry”


“Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it” -Seneca


“The best answer to anger is silence.”


Feeling the zen set in yet? Something about seeing the bigger picture through the minds of great people in our history puts me at peace. Surely they've been through as much if not more and at the end of the day what does their advice remain to be? Anger is not a productive emotion to cling to.

 Even if it was (and believe me, it was) my right to be angry at the situation, that emotion didn't lead me anywhere. Dwelling on my "rightful" emotion took me down further into the depths of myself instead of rising above. At the end of this chapter in my life I want to be better for having walked through it, not bitter. We go through trials in life to learn from them. We make mistakes so we know what not to do next time.

Today I found myself starting to flirt with the big "A" again. Instead of Googling quotes, I ended up searching one of the phrases going through my mind. "Some people" as in  "Some. People. Hmmphh!!" Not really so much "people" but "person" but I digress...

Anywho. I searched "some people" and stumbled across this neat website for a social art project. The website is somepeoplepoeple.com .  Here is the introductory blurb on their site which pretty much explains everything:

"Some people get to be well known and other people live their lives in obscurity. For this project you get to choose and present someone that you think other people should know about by making a documentary about them. Your documentary can take any form that can be presented on the web — video, sound, images, text or any combination of those things. The hope is that this will eventually become an archive of interesting people that previously were not well known, from all over the world."

How neat! Projects like these make me so happy and excited to be a part of the human race. Stumbling upon this site completely replaced my negative emotions with positive ones. Who in my life deserves a spotlight? How can I communicate effectively to everyone else what this person contributes to life on a daily basis?

How about you? Who do you know in your life that might fit the bill for this project?

Chances

Be cautious with the second chances you extend to people in your life and damn near extinct with the third's.

Sheesh

Tonight I am cleaning through all of my "junk" e-mail. (It's not so much junk anymore because I have been  signing Mela and I's happy cabooses up for anything remotely labeled "baby sweepstakes", "win free___ for a year", or "$____ gift certificate".) ANYWHO. I stumbled across an e-mail from "Motherhood" featuring their swimming suits. The featured swimsuit just happened to be the same preggo suit I bought from them a couple of weeks ago. I wish I would have bought the body modeling it too. My first thought upon seeing the photos of the model in the suit were literally "Ohhhh so that's what it's supposed to look like. Oops."

So far I've gained 24.8 lbs and I'm 25 weeks pregnant. Trust that the swimsuit does not fit me like its "supposed" to. For now I'll show you the model. Next week I'm headed off to Miami. If I get really brave I may post some beach pictures. 

At least they gave her some back fat?? Is that supposed to make us relate to her? If so it fail. I've got back folds, not lumps. 

That's all for now. 

Wednesday Inspiration: Aaron Jamison

Meet Aaron Jamison, terminal colon cancer patient. He does not expect to live past the next nine months. Despite the bleak prognosis this man has maintained an incredible outlook on life. He spends his time handing out bracelets reading things like "Cancer sucks...", "Life is good...", and "Choose joy..."

However, his name is not in the news right now because he hands out bracelets. It's in the news because he is trying to sell ad space on the two urns that will hold his ashes after he passes on. The disability check he receives will not cover his medical bills and he wishes to pay for his cremation and urn costs before he dies so his wife (Kristen) will not have to worry about it. The cost is $800. 

Initially I ran across this story on Gawker.com. After reading the little blurb they had posted I mosey'd on over to his blog and that's when the "wow" hit me. Reading even the first post that came up on the page really shook me out of my disgruntled little world. What an amazing world view this guy has. I encourage you all to take a gander. Below please find his latest blog post re-posted. In it you will also find the information need to donate towards his cause. Donate, you will feel better and bigger than yourself. 

Mr. Jamison, today you have outshone us all...

***

...All other donations, which are NOT tax deductible, can be made either through PayPal: 

Or can be mailed, with checks made out to Jamison, Aaron Jamison, Kristin Jamison but not to Belle Jamison... because she's our dog and has no access to a bank account or the skills needed to create her own ATM PIN, to:

Aaron, Kristin & Belle

PO Box 72047

Eugene, OR 97401

In other news, or rather, non-news... There is a part of me that is becoming almost excited about this whole process. Dying. It's a small part, but it's there.

As a Christian I believe that there is a life after this one. In truth, lots of religions, and many people with no religious belief whatsoever, believe that there is "something" after all this. (I personally don't adhere to reincarnation because... well... let's just say I don't want to go through puberty again.) My personal perspective believes in the biblical concept of Heaven. A reunion with God where the relationship humans were originally created to have with Him is restored completely and we will finally fill that need, that vacuum, that exists in every one of us.

My beliefs on what Heaven is like, and let's just face the face that no matter who's scriptural interpretation we use/abuse and misquote... we're all just making a hypothesis based on what we know to be true combined with what we hope to be true. But every once in a while my heart become more playful.

It was in one of those playful moments the other day, as I was writing an email that I remembered an old Mike Warnke album and it's title. (Mike Warnke was/is a Christian comedian who's writings and oral history came into much questioning years ago. He's returned to ministry now. But, as a comedian, he always entertained me growing up and taught me many lessons that remain, to this day, scripturally accurate and meaningful in my life.) The album was, Jester In The King's Court.

I smiled and thought, "You know, that could be me really soon." Maybe with all we've got going on down here on Earth. The homeless, the hate, the fighting, people dying for no reason every day... etc. Maybe with all that God just needs to laugh a little more and I'm being called to acommand performance for the King. The King of all Kings. It could be that soon I'll be a jester in the court of my King.

I hope He likes improv and crappy insta-songs with an acoustic guitar. Nothing would please me more, or fulfill my heart, as much as performing for my King, who has given me everything I have.

I hope God blesses you all today with as much joy as you can handle and the best that He has to offer. Thank you for your continued support.