Seriously considering changing the theme of this mug to a platform for bitching. That's what it is starting to feel like.
I am in a shit mood today, which means I'll probably be swearing a lot in this post. (Tally thus far: III)
What is ailing my peace in particular today? People who set expectations and don't fulfill them. Folks, wouldn't it have been easier just to have kept your mouth shut in the first place than say anything at all?
Sometimes people say they want something but when the pedal reaches the metal it appears they just wanted to collect the idea of the thing they wanted rather than bother with the follow through of actually taking on the responsibility of what that thing requires to attain/maintain.
They say they are all in, 100% committed and then once you get about five steps down the path, they bail. Then you are left with 100+ damn near impossible tasks that you HAVE to complete. Not completing them isn't option because then either a) someone gets hurt and/or b) you look like an ass.
Whatever. It's not worth it. I'm beyond over this.
(On the bright side? I didn't end up swearing nearly as much as I thought I would! Yippee!)
My dear friend Ky Hoelscher has submitted a video to Oprah's website auditioning for a show on her new network OWN. Follow the link, have a look at his vid and vote him through to a TV near you.
Today I took Mela in (of course, she goes wherever I go) to have a 4D ultrasound. It. Was. Awesome. The cherry on top of the whipped cream that was this week.
Nothing particularly out of the ordinary (4D scan aside) took place this week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, all came in the same order, same pace, and pretty much all unfolded about the same. What DID happen was a mental shift that's been a long time in the making. As I've said many a time, positive thinking is hard work. Exercise. You have to flex a set of muscles that most of us are not used to flexing. This week while staring in the mental mirror, I finally spotted some definition.
I've seen the other side of the equation and it is brilliant! So much opportunity, joy, success, and overall excitement lies ahead.
Mela is a huge part of the paradigm shift. This week the miracle of her existence has set in.
Prior to this week I'd been consumed with worry at night. I'd lie in bed with questions swirling around my head: How am I going to do this by myself? How will I provide for her? Will she be happy? Why is this situation so difficult? Why do people act the way they do? Do I even know what I want to be when I grow up? Will her and I be perpetually trying to keep the wolf away from the door? Etc. etc. etc. (Off topic but every time I say or write "etc. etc. etc." I think of this, starts at mark 2:10.)
Finally I found myself pleading with the good Lord above to send some sort of relief. To give me some clarity and/or peace on the situation. I'm not sure what the maximum decibel is for mental pleading but I'm sure I reached it, if not exceeded it.
After that last night of pleading God delivered joy and peace just as sure as He does the morning (I felt a little like this but on a much smaller scale). While the change itself was not sudden, the realization certainly was. The change has been steady. Positivity, prospect, hope, slowly creeping in with every negative thought I've actively fought off. It was until I was re-evaluating my life that I spotted the change. It was the best feeling to finally feel like I had some perspective on things, to finally realize how small some things are in regards to grand scale of life.
You know how sometimes you KNOW things shouldn't be as big of a deal as they are but that information hasn't reached your heart yet? So while you know that it's wrong/futile to be upset it's hard to actually not be? That's what I was struggling with before the peace set in.
When the peace hit I was able to see the sheer brilliance of what lies ahead for Mela and I. We have a lot going for us girls and I can't wait to see her dreams and mine come to fruition.
Now, when I lay in bed at night, instead of worry, I praise on instant repeat. At the highest possible mental decibel level I praise and thank God for this little baby growing inside of me. She is such a little miracle. Seeing the 4D scan only helps further drive those feelings home. She is so beautiful and so blessed to be coming into an environment where I know she is loved. She will be taken care of. While her and I will have bumps in our path, we will never reach a point we can't return from. We've got a great support system in place.
There is a spoken word piece called "Sign Language" (see below) by a poet who goes by the name of Rives. The piece is about his experience working with kids at a def high school. He goes through the various types of poems the kids write and his perspective as someone listening. It is very powerful and beautifully written like all of his other work. While his topic is totally different than my post tonight, the last few lines of his piece reflect the earnesty and sincerity I feel every night for the gift that is Mela.
Original lines: "I was born as def and as quiet as a starfish but if I had been born a man I would pray to the Lord above every night at the top of my fucking lungs just to thank Him for giving me voice."
Personal adaptation: "I've been as selfish and clueless as a teenager for many years but since I've become a mother, each night I pray to the good Lord above as loudly and exuberantly as I possibly can just to thank Him for giving me Mela."
Each night as I fall asleep, I hold her and can't help but count every last lucky star I've ever had because she is on her way.
***
"Sign Language"
***
Paradigm shifts are "the springtime that always seems to show up right after the winter" (a line from another great piece which I have also posted below). The shifts will come and eventually we will tire of them, bury them, and make room for more. It is my wish that whatever and wherever yours may be, that it hops on the good foot and reaches you soon.
If it feels like it's never going to come, just wait a little bit longer, I promise that if you do the work, it has no choice but to arrive. For those whose paradigm shift is still en route I leave you with the piece below. I know that any time I've felt stagnant, lost, confused, hopeless, it helps re-ignite that "life" fire in my soul. Hopefully you feel it too.
In my last post I shared with you instructions on how to make a super cute dry erase board. Today, I'm bringing you my finished product. Over the weekend I tried it myself.
I picked up the frames at a resale shop for $16 (I probably could have found cheaper but I had a specific sort of frame in mind) and some fabric from the sewing shop my sister works at.
The project itself did not take long at all. I repainted one of the frames which is what was the most time consuming but I didn't mind because I like that artsy fartsy stuff. I'm not crazy about the fabric combo with the painted frame but I'm going to let it sink in before deciding to switch it out.
Below check out the finished product. I'd highly recommend this project to anyway. Easy, cheap, and very fun!
Today I visited my sisters place of employment to pick out some fabric for my new (!) kick ass vegas retro style apron (will pose pics when my camera is charged).
When at the store I fell in love with all of the fabrics the store had to offer. There were colors, and patterns, and ribbons galore. It made me wish I were more of a seamstress diva but K's (sister) cornered that market for our family. For every skill I have in the kitchen I lack in front of a sewing machine.
I have no clue what I would make with all of that fabric but I just want to own it and hug it (mine! mine! mine!).
However, where there is a will, there is a way and behold, I have FOUND THE WAY! It meets all of my criteria.
So I'll warn you that this update is going to be weak sauce.
Today I got to say goodbye to old friends and hello to new friends. It was nice to see some familiar faces that have recently become unfamiliar. Lately (pretty much since the pink plus sign showed up on that fateful stick. I've become a recluse because I'm trying to stock pile all of the "quiet time" I can before my Mela gets here. I can't wait to meet her but I'm savoring the silence while I can), I've had to force myself to be social and at the end of the time, usually, I'm glad I did. Today I am.
I'm still grappling with making a decision in a couple of areas. I know what I want to do but now the question is, do I have the balls and follow through to actually do it? That's where the rub lies. My dad's 3W (third wife) says/used to say "do what you feel is the best decision for you and fuck. what. everyone. else. says. about it".
On the one hand, I am only responsible for me and my daughter. So why do I feel as if it is my responsibility to make sure everyone else gets an equal quality opportunity at things? I mean after all, I'm not the one that made the poor and sloppy decisions moved the situations to this point. So why is it my responsibility to change and bend to their demands? They aren't actually changing or bettering themselves, they are just saying they are. Your mouth is moving in one direction but your feet are going another.
The answer is that it's not my responsibility (despite what they may try and sell me). Even though my actions may appear selfish/unfair to people on the outside, I've got very good reasons for making the decisions I've made when I've made with these people. See, here I go. I'm justifying and explaining something that doesn't need an explanation. To cyberspace even! Oy vey.
Dealing with addicts is a nightmare. It is a helpless and awful feeling. Addicts are inherently selfish and will stop at nothing to protect their addiction.
Recently I had someone that is close to me tell me that I have not been behaving according to a certain role. This person is an addict. It frustrated me to the point of a chuckle (laughter is my go to action in situations like these). Was this person kidding? Of course I haven't been behaving according to my role. This person spiraled out of control years ago and in order to protect myself I had to separate myself from them.
They acted as if that separation was the easiest, most natural thing in the world for me (it actually was probably one of the hardest boundaries I have ever had to set with someone). Boundaries aren't easy nor fun to set with people. Especially when these people are adults. The fact that I am actually having to state, set, and follow through on said boundaries speaks volumes for the lack of respect you have (or have had in the past) towards our relationship.
Dealing with an addict is a no win situation. It's similar to someone that has to have their arm amputated because of severe case of gangrene. Yes, the amputation is saving your life but you're still losing an arm. A vital limb that you've relied and depended on your entire life up until this point. Learning to live without that arm is neither pleasant nor preferred.
Because of everything I am flexing a set of muscles I've never flexed before. At first, it's extremely difficult, damn near impossible. However, the more I do it, the easier it gets. Eventually I'd like to be like my girl Peggy and ask "Is that all there is?" (the dancing more so than the booze)
On another note, I believe that I am one step closer to figuring out what I would like to be when I grow up. Lately I've been looking into school, drawing up business plans, and putting a plan of action together.
It feels good to be pursuing something, to have goals again. Awhile back life knocked me off of my horse and I finally feel ready to climb in that saddle, click my heels, and shout "yee-haw" once again. It's a nice feeling.
These days I can't control but much but what I can control THIS moment. Not the last and certainly not the next. What I have is right now. This moment, this time, this choice to be happy, peaceful, and worry free.
I'll leave you with two of my favorite songs of late. The first song I've loved for a very long time. However, I just recently listened to the lyrics and fell even more in love with the tune.
A long time ago
A million years BC
The best things in life
Were absolutely free.
But no one appreciated
A sky that was always blue.
And no one congratulated
A moon that was always new.
So it was planned that they would vanish now and them
And you must pay before you get them back again.
That's what storms were made for
And you shouldn't be afraid for
Every time it rains it rains Pennies from heaven.
Don't you know each cloud contains
Pennies from heaven.
You'll find yor fortune falling
All over town.
Be sure that your umbrella is upside down.
Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers.
If you want the things you love
You must have showers.
So when you hear it thunder
Don't run under a tree. There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me
The second does not have much to do with my post. I simply love the song and thought I'd share. The lyrics and harmonies take me to another place. Time suspends, my soul feels weightless and free when I listen to it. Enjoy.
There are days that will completely destroy you and then there are days that will build you up to a point where you're ready to battle again.
Positive thinking is an exercise. It doesn't come easily or naturally to any of us. Rather, it is a skill that needs to be honed with relentless effort.
Today the refusal to let negativity into my life paid off. The commitment to not let my emotions run me and determine my day. The idea that we are in control of our mind. That our dominant thoughts today control where we go tomorrow.
Today the chant "...just rise above, just rise above. You will overcome this, you will over come this..." finally took hold in my heart.
Today in the quiet, I found my voice.
Today I can confidently say that I fought the good fight...
So either I'm waaaaaaay behind the curve here or I'm about the change your friggin' life. These sites are my new obsession. Each site is dedicated to "sample sales" for higher end products. They feature popular brands at 60%-80% off the original prices. The products range from women's clothing, men's clothing, children's toys, clothing, housewares, beauty products, shoes (!), jewelry, etc.
Some of the brands being featured right now are Donald J. Pliner, American Apparel, Right Bank Babies, ALEX toys, City Scene, Swiss Legend Watches, Wallpaper City Guide... and the list goes on and on.
Totsy is strictly children's products and Gilt Groupe and Haute Look are both combined men, women, children, jewelry, house, etc.
Haute Look
Gilt Groupe
Each site has 10+ sales going on and each brand probably 20-30 different products on sale. The above pictures are there to give you a little tastelette of the discounts.
The sites are "invite" only so if you want to join e-mail me at schmacksmcgee@gmail.com and I'll send you an invite for the sites. They will definitely approve you. The invite is more of a formality than anything else.
Happy shopping lovers! (P.S. I definitely *did not*, read: did, just type in "livers" instead of "lovers". Annnnnnnnd I'm out.)
It's been a frustrating week to say the least. More than frustrating actually. The emotions I've been battling are anger, frustration, shame, humiliation, etc. Every day has been an emotional war, the prize being peace of mind. Some moments I've failed and some I've prevailed. Each moment is a battle and it's exhausting.
Who is winning? It's still too soon to say. Some times I've conquered, other times failed miserably. I've closed the door to strife in my life and I'm working on turning away from any additional strife tossed in my general direction. Doing this engages a whole new set of muscles I am not used to working. It is my hope that eventually this will become easier. As of right now? Not so easy because I've got a big mouth and an even bigger arsenal of opinions. Knowing when to exercise what is proving difficult.
Maybe one day I will go into detail of what I'm letting "rent my mind" (as my Aunt Pam and Mela's namesake, would say). Today is not that day.
Today is actually the day that I am going to share with you something that has made me feel better. It's an odd way of coping but when negative thoughts overwhelm me and mentally talking myself back isn't working I've actually taken to Google. Weird right? It's either an ingenious solution or just shows how desperate I am to get any sort of positive leverage on the beast.
How exactly am I using Google to help me? I simply google whatever is ailing me. For example the other night anger was the prevailing emotion. After the mantra of "it's not worth it... rise above... you are better than this... this doesn't even register on the radar of the bigger picture..." failed I started Googling quotes on anger. Reading things that great minds and world contributers had to say quickly brought me back to zen. Very soon after my anger transformed into laughter and the sheer absurdity of it all. I can proudly say that now when I think back onto that particular piece of the convoluted puzzle, I've got laughter bubbling instead of blood boiling.
Below please find some of the quotes that I found comforting.
Feeling the zen set in yet? Something about seeing the bigger picture through the minds of great people in our history puts me at peace. Surely they've been through as much if not more and at the end of the day what does their advice remain to be? Anger is not a productive emotion to cling to.
Even if it was (and believe me, it was) my right to be angry at the situation, that emotion didn't lead me anywhere. Dwelling on my "rightful" emotion took me down further into the depths of myself instead of rising above. At the end of this chapter in my life I want to be better for having walked through it, not bitter. We go through trials in life to learn from them. We make mistakes so we know what not to do next time.
Today I found myself starting to flirt with the big "A" again. Instead of Googling quotes, I ended up searching one of the phrases going through my mind. "Some people" as in "Some. People. Hmmphh!!" Not really so much "people" but "person" but I digress...
Anywho. I searched "some people" and stumbled across this neat website for a social art project. The website is somepeoplepoeple.com . Here is the introductory blurb on their site which pretty much explains everything:
"Some people get to be well known and other people live their lives in obscurity. For this project you get to choose and present someone that you think other people should know about by making a documentary about them. Your documentary can take any form that can be presented on the web — video, sound, images, text or any combination of those things. The hope is that this will eventually become an archive of interesting people that previously were not well known, from all over the world."
How neat! Projects like these make me so happy and excited to be a part of the human race. Stumbling upon this site completely replaced my negative emotions with positive ones. Who in my life deserves a spotlight? How can I communicate effectively to everyone else what this person contributes to life on a daily basis?
How about you? Who do you know in your life that might fit the bill for this project?
Hello! Welcome to Traveling Narrative. This note is to give you a quick overview of why I started this site and what you can find here.
I started this blog in 2010 a little after I found out I was pregnant with my first child because well, my social calendar all but cleared *cue crickets*. Being that I don't know a ton of moms out there I turned to the blogosphere for a little guidance from all of the experts who have been there and done that.
In addition to this, I KNOW what it is like to be stuck behind a desk with a clock that's stuck at 4:59 pm for 8 hours with a 30 minute lunch. Days get slow and you can only count ceiling tiles for about a week before being declared certifiably insane.
While you are here I hope you will find that you are entertained and informed. You will find links to articles, funny videos, quizzes, online games, DIY projects, and some links to my favorite blogs. Any tips and comments are welcome!
IMHO (in my humble opinion) the truth is always somewhere between here and there. Please feel free to offer your perspective of "here" or "there" and maybe together we can find clarity in this often times opaque world.
Things most people only dare to think, I say them.
Things that will never cross people's minds, I say those too.
Even though I won't change my actions to accommodate this, I worry about what people think of me. (But I'll never admit this outloud).
I'm charming when I mean to be and ugly when I don't mean to be.
I'm a mom (to be) and scared out of my mind. Excited too.
I precariously toe the line between offputting and insanely likable. Terrible and wonderful.
