Oh dear blog, I've been neglecting this in such a bad way. I'm so sorry! Life has been crazy lately. Actually, life is crazy all of the time. Lately has not been an exception.
One thing that I've been trying to focus on is enjoying every moment as it comes. I'm queen of trying to map out the hills before I even cross the path. Not only is this futile, it's robbing myself of the present. I know that in 5 months I will look back at this time and long for the quiet. I'll be disappointed that I didn't savor this time with Mela while I had it. (Holy crap, I'm not sure if I've even posted this but we found out we're having a girl!!! Her name will be Mela pronounced Mee-lah)
Pregnancy really can be a beautiful thing. When she kicks it makes me want to do everything I can to be the best mother I can be. Each kick propels me through a check list of questions. "Did I take my prenatal vitamins?" "Have I eaten enough today?" "How is my water intake coming along?" It's nice to feel a bigger sense of purpose and connection.
This is not to say that I'm still not scared out of my freaking mind on raising this little being but all in due time. Right now, my goal is getting through this pregnancy. Then, I'll focus on the birth (oy, aye, aye). Then I'll focus on getting through the night with feedings and diaper changes (oy, aye, aye!).
Every day that passes I have another epiphany about raising a girl. Some are good (pink princess bicycles with streamers and pig tails! Long hair, nail polish, shiny shoes, poofy dresses, ballet...) and some are let's-deal-with-that-when-we-get-there (keeping up with the Jones's junior *I want the $500 pair of jeans! So-so Jones has a pair!*, bad haircut meltdowns, combing of the hair meltdowns, mean girls, boys preying on my daughter like she is meat, combating an unrealistic beauty standard, society's unhealthy portrayal of promiscuity...).
This process is amazing but definitely has its trials. Some totally avoidable (I'll address these in a bit), some not (constipation, bloating, BIRTH, raging hormones). All are forcing me to grow up in way that I never thought possible in such a short amount of time. I've always said that people could squeeze water out of a rock when their back is pushed against a wall. I'd always meant it in more of a financial way than an emotional one. Now I know it can go both ways.
A year ago I would have never guessed my life would be here or I'd be feeling/acting the way I am. I've seen growth within myself and that makes me proud. (Hey, people spend way too much timing complaining about what they aren't good at, myself included. What's the point of criticism if there is no praise? As my father says, "Sometimes it's not selfish to be selfish". We must take care of our selves before we can take care of others. Positive thinking is an exercise, not something that comes naturally. It's hard work!)
One of the totally avoidable trials I have been dealing with is having a baby out of wedlock. After hearing this phrase my entire life (super religious upbringing) I finally understand it. Sure, prior to now I knew it was frowned upon. Mostly I figured because it meant people were having S-E-X outside of marriage and that was a big no no. Now I know that sex is not the only reason people caution against it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that people in long term committed relationships have babies all of the time and it goes off without a hitch. I'm not referring to these types of relationships.
The relationship I'm referring to (ok, my own) is one in which two people who don't REALLY know each other bring a life into this world. A relationship lacking the test of time, trust, knowledge of the other person's ugly and uglier. Pregnancy in itself can be really stressful. So many changes taking place in the woman's body, major financial hemorrhaging happening to prepare for the child, and a new totally blank slate being brought into this world who will most commonly be impressed upon by the two of you for the first 12 years of their life. On top of all of this stress, add doubt, uncertainty, and mistrust to name a few. Every day feels like I'm waking up in a dark room with only a cell phone lighting my path. I know nothing about being pregnant and not much more about my relationship (in terms of stability).
At this point, we've been pregnant longer than we'd been dating when we found out we were pregnant. It's crazy! Combining two people who don't really know each other and putting them in the pressure cooker of stress that is bringing a child into the world does not exactly bring out the best in people. From my side of things it is extremely hard because I can't even trust my feelings due to raging hormones. Am I right to be offended by some of the things he does/says? Am I wrong to be angry? I just. don't. know.
Another great "perk" of having a baby out of wedlock is what I like to call shame-surance (at least in our case). I could be P.C. and do a disclaimer on this but it's my fucking blog so if you don't like it, fine. You're entitled to your opinion.
Shame-surance is having to go through the state in order to have your doctor's bills paid. In Texas it is called "Medicaid", I believe other states have other names (at least I know Iowa does). It's a tedious process that involves meetings in the most depressing buildings you have seen in your life, disgruntled state workers, and long hours on the phone trying to track down accurate information. In addition to this you need verification from former/current employers that you do actually work there. That's a fun one to explain to the people you weren't ready to tell you were pregnant! "So, here is a form I need you to sign. Well, it's for Medicaid, oh yes! I didn't tell you? I'm pregnant! Yep, I'm still getting used to the idea myself"
Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that the program is available (although one trip to the Health and Human Services Office is the equivalent to a years supply of birth control). There is no way Mela would be able to come into this world without it. You see my S.S.O (sometimes significant other) has insurance but since we're not married or gay I can't be on it. As for myself, I was in a transitional period of my life (I'd JUST moved to Texas) and was working a couple of part time jobs while I searched for a full time one. Without the shame-surance we would have had to go into debt to have the baby.
I guess it just really bothers me because I never thought it was something I'd have to do. I didn't even know if I wanted kids at all. If I did I'd planned (Funny. Planned. Haha. Who's a comedian now?) on it being around 30 and the same sort of scenario I'd put my Barbies in as a child. "This is Barbie and this is Ken. They have Kelly and live in a dream house. In the garage there is a mini-van, pink convertible, and gulf stream jet for weekend Ken. They like to play tennis and go horseback riding with the VanDeLenters..."
The thought also crosses my mind "If I can't even afford to bring her into the world, how will I be able to provide enough for her when she gets here?" All in due time. This is one of the thoughts at night that I try and curb because until she is born and I can pound the pavement again for full time work, there's not much for me to do. The feeling of helplessness is incredibly hard to shake.
Kids: Safe. Sex. Use. Condoms. Or just don't have sex.
I can't wait to meet Mela. I can't wait to watch her grow. I can't wait to experience all of the wonderful things she will bring to our family. I can't wait to finger paint with her. I can't wait to splash in puddles. I can't wait to introduce her to the people that already love her. I just worry we are bringing her into a situation that's worse than it had to be. She deserves a solid family. She deserves Mommy and Daddy. She will have both even if they are under two separate roof tops. It is my prayer that if this is the case, each home will be solid.
I've got so many other concerns and fears but I think I've shared enough for one night. Goodnight all.
