Your Body Is A... Wonderland????????

Oi vey, aye carumba! My how we've changed in a year. (When I say "we" I mean "me"). The top photo was taken in July 2009. The second photo is July 2010.

Today has been a rough day for personal body image. Over the last week or so I've been painfully aware of my body whether it be because my cellulite seems to be creeping lower and lower down my thighs or because contractions and cramping are popping in to say "hi" (I'd rather they call ahead. Dropping by without warning is just plain rude).  Not to mention walking, sitting, standing, and laying are uncomfortable due to stretching ligaments.

That being said, today I had an appointment with the midwife. Usually they are three lovely ladies (and they really are lovely) helping out the preggo princesses but today there was one. The other two were on vacation and jury duty respectively. This meant hanging out for an hour in the stuffy waiting room on uncomfortable chairs with stretching ligaments and then another hour waiting in a little room with florescent lights with stretching ligaments. Thank goodness Ms. Kelse (my incredibly patient sister) was there or else I might have caved into my impatient preg-motions.

Eventually the midwife (I've never met with this one before. Word in the nurses corner was that she is the "big boss" that came in for reinforcement) came in to listen to the baby's heartbeat and take her measurements. She was nice enough but one of those people that spoke to you at a very close interval. So close that it takes you aback and any questions or comments you previously were hanging onto go hide in the tongue dispenser jar. Perhaps that was her strategy to effectively see all of the patients today. "By invading their personal space they'll forget the questions and it will cut each visit's time length in half..." I keed, I keed. She was very patient and in no way did I feel rushed but it was definitely a little uncomfortable speaking with someone nose to nose.

When I raised my shirt and lowered my increda-elasta-pants she commented, "Those are quite the stretch marks you have going on there". Oh dear. Not exactly what a 38 week'er is longing to hear. Trying to maybe glean some advice from the situation I asked her if she had any inside advice for getting rid of them. "If I had the answer to that, I'd be rich! Just kidding. They will fade over time though." Uhm. DEFINITELY not what a 38 week'er is longing to hear. Especially considering that she is a woman who looks at preg bellies all day long and felt the need to comment on the stretch marks I had dancing across mine.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at the lady. It's just that the experience was not exactly a mood lifter.

After the appointment I came home and decided to put the stretch marks out of my mind and do some labor research. Labor has been something I've been reading about but deathly afraid to revisit the birthing videos I'd watched 4 months into pregnancy. Tonight I decided to tackle that fear and watch them again because I feel as if now that I know more about the process, watching it isn't as scary. This proved to be very true and I was able to make it through and calm some birthing fears. However, something I noticed while watching these videos was that the ladies were remarkably stretch mark free. Shit. Guess the stretch mark experience today didn't get put quite as far out of mind as I originally thought.

Finally I was weeding through all of my preg e-mails and I saw this little tool for a pregnancy weight gain tracker. Now why I thought it was a good idea to follow the link, I have no idea. It wasn't, it isn't, I will never do it again (or maybe I went back and did it several other times with fictional numbers, whatever). Turns out I've gained 52 lbs instead of the 46 lbs I had originally thought.

You may think 6 lbs, big difference. Uhm, it is actually a HUGE difference. Going from 40 to 46 isn't so bad, but hitting a new 10's bracket is absolutely devastating. Especially if you were a fat kid growing up. (I was).

Certain members of my family were brutal about it. There was the grandparent that would comment on my two chins or say things like "ohh, Jessie you looked skinny in that picture" and then there was the step-mom that despised anything overweight. She made her distaste for me known while I went through my fat awkward stage and loved everything about my cute little sister. Once I grew out of my awkward fat phase and into a slimmer more adult look my sister entered her and the distaste shifted from me to my sister. After speaking and knowing her years later I came to realize that she is simply one of those people that dislikes anything overweight whether it was my sister and I, the neighbor, her new husband, and even herself when she'd packed on a couple of extra pounds.

At one point I recall my mom even telling me that she felt like a failure every time she looked at me because of my weight. The point is that from a young age I have always been extremely aware of those numbers on the scale.

Moving to NYC really helped open up the tunnel vision I'd previously had about my body and my college room buds rubbed off me in a very positive way. They were beautiful girls of three varying shapes that each had an electric confidence about them. Through them I was able to learn that it wasn't the body that mattered but ultimately health and inner fulfillment that makes us beautiful.

The pregnancy weight however has really thrown me for a loop. Suddenly that sexy confident girl I've known in myself over the last 6 years all of the sudden feels like an overweight twelve year old girl wrapped in a towel hanging out by the fence at the public pool hoping and praying that her plain black bathing suit will magically hide the 20 or 30 lbs the other twelve year old girls don't have.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE and can't wait for Miss Mela to get here. The extra pounds are a very small sacrifice for the little miracle that she is. However, this is the post where I take off my "mommy" perspective hat and I replace it with my "Jessie" perspective hat. I am a mother, a sister, and above all, a woman. Weight is something all of us ladies deal with, no?

So ladies. That is my body confession for the eve.

Alright ladies time to fess up. How much weight did you gain during pregnancy, how did you get it off, and how long did it take you? Also I wanna hear from you non-moms out there! Have you gone through a significant weight gain? How are you have you overcome it or how are you actively overcoming it?

P.S. While uploading the photo seen at the top of this post I ran across this one:

Final, final, final thought? My heart just melted and she is totally worth it. The stretch marks, the weight gain. This just snapped everything back into perspective. (Although next pregnancy I'll go easy on the trips to local Bar-B-Q joint T-Bone Toms). 

ROFLMAO...QRSTUVWXYZ

Check these out. They gave me a good chuckle on this eve of feeling extremely preggo and old (my midwife said that pregnancy ages you and I completely 100% agree with that statement).

Feeling Quite Pregnant

With two and a half weeks left until D-Day my pregnancy is in full force.

My feet look like sausages with slits cut in one end (aka toes) and I'm pretty sure my underwear are big enough to be used as parachutes.

New favorite hobby: Balancing things on my stomach and seeing how long it takes for Mela to kick them off. Yep. She's pretty much awesome.

I'm very excited for her to get here. I feel like everything is in order and now it's just a matter of waiting for her to come.

Shower? Check (and was AWESOME. Will post pics soon)!

Infant care class? Check!

Infant CPR/Safety? Check!

Car seat on order? Check!

Crib? Check!

Nursery? Check!

Clothes/socks/etc? Check!

Hospital bag packed? Check!

Tutu made for her "going home" with a pink onsie and headband-bow-as-big-as-her-head outfit? Check! Check! Check!

Mela girl, we have you covered. Now all you have to do is get here. We're ready for you girlfriend.

Bitchin' Blog

Seriously considering changing the theme of this mug to a platform for bitching. That's what it is starting to feel like.

I am in a shit mood today, which means I'll probably be swearing a lot in this post. (Tally thus far: III)

What is ailing my peace in particular today? People who set expectations and don't fulfill them. Folks, wouldn't it have been easier just to have kept your mouth shut in the first place than say anything at all?

Sometimes people say they want something but when the pedal reaches the metal it appears they just wanted to collect the idea of the thing they wanted rather than bother with the follow through of actually taking on the responsibility of what that thing requires to attain/maintain.

They say they are all in, 100% committed and then once you get about five steps down the path, they bail. Then you are left with 100+ damn near impossible tasks that you HAVE to complete. Not completing them isn't option because then either a) someone gets hurt and/or b) you look like an ass.

Whatever. It's not worth it. I'm beyond over this.

(On the bright side? I didn't end up swearing nearly as much as I thought I would! Yippee!)

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

My dear friend Ky Hoelscher has submitted a video to Oprah's website auditioning for a show on her new network OWN. Follow the link, have a look at his vid and vote him through to a TV near you.

VOTE HERE!

Paradigm Shift

 Today I took Mela in (of course, she goes wherever I go) to have a 4D ultrasound. It. Was. Awesome. The cherry on top of the whipped cream that was this week. 

Nothing particularly out of the ordinary (4D scan aside) took place this week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, all came in the same order, same pace, and pretty much all unfolded about the same. What DID happen was a mental shift that's been a long time in the making. As I've said many a time, positive thinking is hard work. Exercise. You have to flex a set of muscles that most of us are not used to flexing. This week while staring in the mental mirror, I finally spotted some definition. 

I've seen the other side of the equation and it is brilliant! So much opportunity, joy, success, and overall excitement lies ahead. 

Mela is a huge part of the paradigm shift. This week the miracle of her existence has set in. 

Prior to this week I'd been consumed with worry at night. I'd lie in bed with questions swirling around my head: How am I going to do this by myself? How will I provide for her? Will she be happy? Why is this situation so difficult? Why do people act the way they do? Do I even know what I want to be when I grow up? Will her and I be perpetually trying to keep the wolf away from the door? Etc. etc. etc. (Off topic but every time I say or write "etc. etc. etc." I think of this, starts at mark 2:10.) 

Finally I found myself pleading with the good Lord above to send some sort of relief. To give me some clarity and/or peace on the situation. I'm not sure what the maximum decibel is for mental pleading but I'm sure I reached it, if not exceeded it.

After that last night of pleading God delivered joy and peace just as sure as He does the morning (I felt a little like this but on a much smaller scale). While the change itself was not sudden, the realization certainly was. The change has been steady. Positivity, prospect, hope, slowly creeping in with every negative thought I've actively fought off. It was until I was re-evaluating my life that I spotted the change. It was the best feeling to finally feel like I had some perspective on things, to finally realize how small some things are in regards to grand scale of life.

You know how sometimes you KNOW things shouldn't be as big of a deal as they are but that information hasn't reached your heart yet? So while you know that it's wrong/futile to be upset it's hard to actually not be? That's what I was struggling with before the peace set in.

When the peace hit I was able to see the sheer brilliance of what lies ahead for Mela and I. We have a lot going for us girls and I can't wait to see her dreams and mine come to fruition.

Now, when I lay in bed at night, instead of worry, I praise on instant repeat. At the highest possible mental decibel level I praise and thank God for this little baby growing inside of me. She is such a little miracle. Seeing the 4D scan only helps further drive those feelings home. She is so beautiful and so blessed to be coming into an environment where I know she is loved. She will be taken care of. While her and I will have bumps in our path, we will never reach a point we can't return from. We've got a great support system in place.

There is a spoken word piece called "Sign Language" (see below) by a poet who goes by the name of Rives. The piece is about his experience working with kids at a def high school. He goes through the various types of poems the kids write and his perspective as someone listening. It is very powerful and beautifully written like all of his other work. While his topic is totally different than my post tonight, the last few lines of his piece reflect the earnesty and sincerity I feel every night for the gift that is Mela.

Original lines: "I was born as def and as quiet as a starfish but if I had been born a man I would pray to the Lord above every night at the top of my fucking lungs just to thank Him for giving me voice."

Personal adaptation: "I've been as selfish and clueless as a teenager for many years but since I've become a mother, each night I pray to the good Lord above as loudly and exuberantly as I possibly can just to thank Him for giving me Mela."

Each night as I fall asleep, I hold her and can't help but count every last lucky star I've ever had because she is on her way.

***

"Sign Language"



***

Paradigm shifts are "the springtime that always seems to show up right after the winter" (a line from another great piece which I have also posted below). The shifts will come and eventually we will tire of them, bury them, and make room for more. It is my wish that whatever and wherever yours may be, that it hops on the good foot and reaches you soon.

If it feels like it's never going to come, just wait a little bit longer, I promise that if you do the work, it has no choice but to arrive. For those whose paradigm shift is still en route I leave you with the piece below. I know that any time I've felt stagnant, lost, confused, hopeless, it helps re-ignite that "life" fire in my soul. Hopefully you feel it too.

"Shake the Dust"
Anis Mojgani

Cute DIY Dry Erase Part 2

In my last post I shared with you instructions on how to make a super cute dry erase board. Today, I'm bringing you my finished product. Over the weekend I tried it myself.

I picked up the frames at a resale shop for $16 (I probably could have found cheaper but I had a specific sort of frame in mind) and some fabric from the sewing shop my sister works at.

The project itself did not take long at all. I repainted one of the frames which is what was the most time consuming but I didn't mind because I like that artsy fartsy stuff. I'm not crazy about the fabric combo with the painted frame but I'm going to let it sink in before deciding to switch it out.

Below check out the finished product. I'd highly recommend this project to anyway. Easy, cheap, and very fun!

Cute DIY Dry Erase

Today I visited my sisters place of employment to pick out some fabric for my new (!) kick ass vegas retro style apron (will pose pics when my camera is charged).

When at the store I fell in love with all of the fabrics the store had to offer. There were colors, and patterns, and ribbons galore. It made me wish I were more of a seamstress diva but K's (sister) cornered that market for our family. For every skill I have in the kitchen I lack in front of a sewing machine.

I have no clue what I would make with all of that fabric but I just want to own it and hug it (mine! mine! mine!).

However, where there is a will, there is a way and behold, I have FOUND THE WAY! It meets all of my criteria.

-DIY
-FABULOUS FABRIC
-NO. SEWING.
-(Jesus totally loves me)

Allow me to share with you da da daaaaaaaaaaan....

DIY dry erase board made with fabric behind glass. Find instructions here. 

Update

So I'll warn you that this update is going to be weak sauce.

Today I got to say goodbye to old friends and hello to new friends. It was nice to see some familiar faces that have recently become unfamiliar. Lately (pretty much since the pink plus sign showed up on that fateful stick. I've become a recluse because I'm trying to stock pile all of the "quiet time" I can before my Mela gets here. I can't wait to meet her but I'm savoring the silence while I can), I've had to force myself to be social and at the end of the time, usually,  I'm glad I did. Today I am.

I'm still grappling with making a decision in a couple of areas. I know what I want to do but now the question is, do I have the balls and follow through to actually do it? That's where the rub lies. My dad's 3W (third wife) says/used to say "do what you feel is the best decision for you and fuck. what. everyone. else. says. about it".

On the one hand, I am only responsible for me and my daughter. So why do I feel as if it is my responsibility to make sure everyone else gets an equal quality opportunity at things? I mean after all, I'm not the one that made the poor and sloppy decisions moved the situations to this point. So why is it my responsibility to change and bend to their demands? They aren't actually changing or bettering themselves, they are just saying they are. Your mouth is moving in one direction but your feet are going another.

The answer is that it's not my responsibility (despite what they may try and sell me). Even though my actions may appear selfish/unfair to people on the outside, I've got very good reasons for making the decisions I've made when I've made with these people. See, here I go. I'm justifying and explaining something that doesn't need an explanation. To cyberspace even! Oy vey.

Dealing with addicts is a nightmare. It is a helpless and awful feeling. Addicts are inherently selfish and will stop at nothing to protect their addiction.

Recently I had someone that is close to me tell me that I have not been behaving according to a certain role. This person is an addict. It frustrated me to the point of a chuckle (laughter is my go to action in situations like these). Was this person kidding? Of course I haven't been behaving according to my role. This person spiraled out of control years ago and in order to protect myself I had to separate myself from them.

They acted as if that separation was the easiest, most natural thing in the world for me (it actually was probably one of the hardest boundaries I have ever had to set with someone). Boundaries aren't easy nor fun to set with people. Especially when these people are adults. The fact that I am actually having to state, set, and follow through on said boundaries speaks volumes for the lack of respect you have (or have had in the past) towards our relationship.

Dealing with an addict is a no win situation. It's similar to someone that has to have their arm amputated because of severe case of gangrene. Yes, the amputation is saving your life but you're still losing an arm. A vital limb that you've relied and depended on your entire life up until this point. Learning to live without that arm is neither pleasant nor preferred.

Because of everything I am flexing a set of muscles I've never flexed before. At first, it's extremely difficult, damn near impossible. However, the more I do it, the easier it gets. Eventually I'd like to be like my girl Peggy and ask "Is that all there is?" (the dancing more so than the booze)

On another note, I believe that I am one step closer to figuring out what I would like to be when I grow up. Lately I've been looking into school, drawing up business plans, and putting a plan of action together.

It feels good to be pursuing something, to have goals again. Awhile back life knocked me off of my horse and I finally feel ready to climb in that saddle, click my heels, and shout "yee-haw" once again. It's a nice feeling.

These days I can't control but much but what I can control THIS moment. Not the last and certainly not the next. What I have is right now. This moment, this time, this choice to be happy, peaceful, and worry free.

I'll leave you with two of my favorite songs of late. The first song I've loved for a very long time. However, I just recently listened to the lyrics and fell even more in love with the tune.

A long time ago
A million years BC
The best things in life
Were absolutely free.
But no one appreciated
A sky that was always blue.
And no one congratulated
A moon that was always new.
So it was planned that they would vanish now and them
And you must pay before you get them back again.
That's what storms were made for
And you shouldn't be afraid for
Every time it rains it rains
Pennies from heaven.
Don't you know each cloud contains
Pennies from heaven.
You'll find yor fortune falling
All over town.
Be sure that your umbrella is upside down.
Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers.
If you want the things you love
You must have showers.
So when you hear it thunder
Don't run under a tree.
There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me 


The second does not have much to do with my post. I simply love the song and thought I'd share. The lyrics and harmonies take me to another place. Time suspends, my soul feels weightless and free when I listen to it. Enjoy.

Conquer or Be Conquered

Rabi Khan "Soul Bird 2"

There are days that will completely destroy you and then there are days that will build you up to a point where you're ready to battle again.

Positive thinking is an exercise. It doesn't come easily or naturally to any of us. Rather, it is a skill that needs to be honed with relentless effort.

Today the refusal to let negativity into my life paid off. The commitment to not let my emotions run me and determine my day. The idea that we are in control of our mind. That our dominant thoughts today control where we go tomorrow.

Today the chant "...just rise above, just rise above. You will overcome this, you will over come this..." finally took hold in my heart.

Today in the quiet, I found my voice.

Today I can confidently say that I fought the good fight...

and I won.

: )