Update

So I'll warn you that this update is going to be weak sauce.

Today I got to say goodbye to old friends and hello to new friends. It was nice to see some familiar faces that have recently become unfamiliar. Lately (pretty much since the pink plus sign showed up on that fateful stick. I've become a recluse because I'm trying to stock pile all of the "quiet time" I can before my Mela gets here. I can't wait to meet her but I'm savoring the silence while I can), I've had to force myself to be social and at the end of the time, usually,  I'm glad I did. Today I am.

I'm still grappling with making a decision in a couple of areas. I know what I want to do but now the question is, do I have the balls and follow through to actually do it? That's where the rub lies. My dad's 3W (third wife) says/used to say "do what you feel is the best decision for you and fuck. what. everyone. else. says. about it".

On the one hand, I am only responsible for me and my daughter. So why do I feel as if it is my responsibility to make sure everyone else gets an equal quality opportunity at things? I mean after all, I'm not the one that made the poor and sloppy decisions moved the situations to this point. So why is it my responsibility to change and bend to their demands? They aren't actually changing or bettering themselves, they are just saying they are. Your mouth is moving in one direction but your feet are going another.

The answer is that it's not my responsibility (despite what they may try and sell me). Even though my actions may appear selfish/unfair to people on the outside, I've got very good reasons for making the decisions I've made when I've made with these people. See, here I go. I'm justifying and explaining something that doesn't need an explanation. To cyberspace even! Oy vey.

Dealing with addicts is a nightmare. It is a helpless and awful feeling. Addicts are inherently selfish and will stop at nothing to protect their addiction.

Recently I had someone that is close to me tell me that I have not been behaving according to a certain role. This person is an addict. It frustrated me to the point of a chuckle (laughter is my go to action in situations like these). Was this person kidding? Of course I haven't been behaving according to my role. This person spiraled out of control years ago and in order to protect myself I had to separate myself from them.

They acted as if that separation was the easiest, most natural thing in the world for me (it actually was probably one of the hardest boundaries I have ever had to set with someone). Boundaries aren't easy nor fun to set with people. Especially when these people are adults. The fact that I am actually having to state, set, and follow through on said boundaries speaks volumes for the lack of respect you have (or have had in the past) towards our relationship.

Dealing with an addict is a no win situation. It's similar to someone that has to have their arm amputated because of severe case of gangrene. Yes, the amputation is saving your life but you're still losing an arm. A vital limb that you've relied and depended on your entire life up until this point. Learning to live without that arm is neither pleasant nor preferred.

Because of everything I am flexing a set of muscles I've never flexed before. At first, it's extremely difficult, damn near impossible. However, the more I do it, the easier it gets. Eventually I'd like to be like my girl Peggy and ask "Is that all there is?" (the dancing more so than the booze)

On another note, I believe that I am one step closer to figuring out what I would like to be when I grow up. Lately I've been looking into school, drawing up business plans, and putting a plan of action together.

It feels good to be pursuing something, to have goals again. Awhile back life knocked me off of my horse and I finally feel ready to climb in that saddle, click my heels, and shout "yee-haw" once again. It's a nice feeling.

These days I can't control but much but what I can control THIS moment. Not the last and certainly not the next. What I have is right now. This moment, this time, this choice to be happy, peaceful, and worry free.

I'll leave you with two of my favorite songs of late. The first song I've loved for a very long time. However, I just recently listened to the lyrics and fell even more in love with the tune.

A long time ago
A million years BC
The best things in life
Were absolutely free.
But no one appreciated
A sky that was always blue.
And no one congratulated
A moon that was always new.
So it was planned that they would vanish now and them
And you must pay before you get them back again.
That's what storms were made for
And you shouldn't be afraid for
Every time it rains it rains
Pennies from heaven.
Don't you know each cloud contains
Pennies from heaven.
You'll find yor fortune falling
All over town.
Be sure that your umbrella is upside down.
Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers.
If you want the things you love
You must have showers.
So when you hear it thunder
Don't run under a tree.
There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me 


The second does not have much to do with my post. I simply love the song and thought I'd share. The lyrics and harmonies take me to another place. Time suspends, my soul feels weightless and free when I listen to it. Enjoy.

Conquer or Be Conquered

Rabi Khan "Soul Bird 2"

There are days that will completely destroy you and then there are days that will build you up to a point where you're ready to battle again.

Positive thinking is an exercise. It doesn't come easily or naturally to any of us. Rather, it is a skill that needs to be honed with relentless effort.

Today the refusal to let negativity into my life paid off. The commitment to not let my emotions run me and determine my day. The idea that we are in control of our mind. That our dominant thoughts today control where we go tomorrow.

Today the chant "...just rise above, just rise above. You will overcome this, you will over come this..." finally took hold in my heart.

Today in the quiet, I found my voice.

Today I can confidently say that I fought the good fight...

and I won.

: )

I've Got the Look

Haute Look!
Gilt Groupe!
Totsy!

So either I'm waaaaaaay behind the curve here or I'm about the change your friggin' life. These sites are my new obsession. Each site is dedicated to "sample sales" for higher end products. They feature popular brands at 60%-80% off the original prices. The products range from women's clothing, men's clothing, children's toys, clothing, housewares, beauty products, shoes (!), jewelry, etc.

Some of the brands being featured right now are Donald J. Pliner, American Apparel, Right Bank Babies, ALEX toys, City Scene, Swiss Legend Watches, Wallpaper City Guide... and the list goes on and on.

Totsy is strictly children's products and Gilt Groupe and Haute Look are both combined men, women, children, jewelry, house, etc.

Haute Look

Gilt Groupe

Each site has 10+ sales going on and each brand probably 20-30 different products on sale. The above pictures are there to give you a little tastelette of the discounts.

The sites are "invite" only so if you want to join e-mail me at schmacksmcgee@gmail.com and I'll send you an invite for the sites. They will definitely approve you. The invite is more of a formality than anything else.

Happy shopping lovers! (P.S. I definitely *did not*, read: did, just type in "livers" instead of "lovers". Annnnnnnnd I'm out.)

*Update: WANT

$900, he he he, that's funny. Maybe one day...

Some People

It's been a frustrating week to say the least. More than frustrating actually. The emotions I've been battling are anger, frustration, shame, humiliation, etc. Every day has been an emotional war, the prize being peace of mind. Some moments I've failed and some I've prevailed. Each moment is a battle and it's exhausting.

Who is winning? It's still too soon to say. Some times I've conquered, other times failed miserably. I've closed the door to strife in my life and I'm working on turning away from any additional strife tossed in my general direction. Doing this engages a whole new set of muscles I am not used to working. It is my hope that eventually this will become easier. As of right now? Not so easy because I've got a big mouth and an even bigger arsenal of opinions. Knowing when to exercise what is proving difficult.

Maybe one day I will go into detail of what I'm letting "rent my mind" (as my Aunt Pam and Mela's namesake, would say). Today is not that day.

Today is actually the day that I am going to share with you something that has made me feel better. It's an odd way of coping but when negative thoughts overwhelm me and mentally talking myself back isn't working I've actually taken to Google. Weird right? It's either an ingenious solution or just shows how desperate I am to get any sort of positive leverage on the beast.

How exactly am I using Google to help me? I simply google whatever is ailing me. For example the other night anger was the prevailing emotion. After the mantra of "it's not worth it... rise above... you are better than this... this doesn't even register on the radar of the bigger picture..." failed I started Googling quotes on anger. Reading things that great minds and world contributers had to say quickly brought me back to zen. Very soon after my anger transformed into laughter and the sheer absurdity of it all. I can proudly say that now when I think back onto that particular piece of the convoluted puzzle, I've got laughter bubbling instead of blood boiling.

Below please find some of the quotes that I found comforting.

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of peace of mind.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson 


“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.” -Dr. Laurence J. Peter 


“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” -Buddha 


“Anyone who angers you conquers you”


“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.” -Plato


“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses.” -William Arthur Wade


“He is a fool who cannot be angry; but he is a wise man who will not”


“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.” -James Thurber


“The truth shall make you free, but first it shall make you angry”


“Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it” -Seneca


“The best answer to anger is silence.”


Feeling the zen set in yet? Something about seeing the bigger picture through the minds of great people in our history puts me at peace. Surely they've been through as much if not more and at the end of the day what does their advice remain to be? Anger is not a productive emotion to cling to.

 Even if it was (and believe me, it was) my right to be angry at the situation, that emotion didn't lead me anywhere. Dwelling on my "rightful" emotion took me down further into the depths of myself instead of rising above. At the end of this chapter in my life I want to be better for having walked through it, not bitter. We go through trials in life to learn from them. We make mistakes so we know what not to do next time.

Today I found myself starting to flirt with the big "A" again. Instead of Googling quotes, I ended up searching one of the phrases going through my mind. "Some people" as in  "Some. People. Hmmphh!!" Not really so much "people" but "person" but I digress...

Anywho. I searched "some people" and stumbled across this neat website for a social art project. The website is somepeoplepoeple.com .  Here is the introductory blurb on their site which pretty much explains everything:

"Some people get to be well known and other people live their lives in obscurity. For this project you get to choose and present someone that you think other people should know about by making a documentary about them. Your documentary can take any form that can be presented on the web — video, sound, images, text or any combination of those things. The hope is that this will eventually become an archive of interesting people that previously were not well known, from all over the world."

How neat! Projects like these make me so happy and excited to be a part of the human race. Stumbling upon this site completely replaced my negative emotions with positive ones. Who in my life deserves a spotlight? How can I communicate effectively to everyone else what this person contributes to life on a daily basis?

How about you? Who do you know in your life that might fit the bill for this project?

Chances

Be cautious with the second chances you extend to people in your life and damn near extinct with the third's.