Update

So I'll warn you that this update is going to be weak sauce.

Today I got to say goodbye to old friends and hello to new friends. It was nice to see some familiar faces that have recently become unfamiliar. Lately (pretty much since the pink plus sign showed up on that fateful stick. I've become a recluse because I'm trying to stock pile all of the "quiet time" I can before my Mela gets here. I can't wait to meet her but I'm savoring the silence while I can), I've had to force myself to be social and at the end of the time, usually,  I'm glad I did. Today I am.

I'm still grappling with making a decision in a couple of areas. I know what I want to do but now the question is, do I have the balls and follow through to actually do it? That's where the rub lies. My dad's 3W (third wife) says/used to say "do what you feel is the best decision for you and fuck. what. everyone. else. says. about it".

On the one hand, I am only responsible for me and my daughter. So why do I feel as if it is my responsibility to make sure everyone else gets an equal quality opportunity at things? I mean after all, I'm not the one that made the poor and sloppy decisions moved the situations to this point. So why is it my responsibility to change and bend to their demands? They aren't actually changing or bettering themselves, they are just saying they are. Your mouth is moving in one direction but your feet are going another.

The answer is that it's not my responsibility (despite what they may try and sell me). Even though my actions may appear selfish/unfair to people on the outside, I've got very good reasons for making the decisions I've made when I've made with these people. See, here I go. I'm justifying and explaining something that doesn't need an explanation. To cyberspace even! Oy vey.

Dealing with addicts is a nightmare. It is a helpless and awful feeling. Addicts are inherently selfish and will stop at nothing to protect their addiction.

Recently I had someone that is close to me tell me that I have not been behaving according to a certain role. This person is an addict. It frustrated me to the point of a chuckle (laughter is my go to action in situations like these). Was this person kidding? Of course I haven't been behaving according to my role. This person spiraled out of control years ago and in order to protect myself I had to separate myself from them.

They acted as if that separation was the easiest, most natural thing in the world for me (it actually was probably one of the hardest boundaries I have ever had to set with someone). Boundaries aren't easy nor fun to set with people. Especially when these people are adults. The fact that I am actually having to state, set, and follow through on said boundaries speaks volumes for the lack of respect you have (or have had in the past) towards our relationship.

Dealing with an addict is a no win situation. It's similar to someone that has to have their arm amputated because of severe case of gangrene. Yes, the amputation is saving your life but you're still losing an arm. A vital limb that you've relied and depended on your entire life up until this point. Learning to live without that arm is neither pleasant nor preferred.

Because of everything I am flexing a set of muscles I've never flexed before. At first, it's extremely difficult, damn near impossible. However, the more I do it, the easier it gets. Eventually I'd like to be like my girl Peggy and ask "Is that all there is?" (the dancing more so than the booze)

On another note, I believe that I am one step closer to figuring out what I would like to be when I grow up. Lately I've been looking into school, drawing up business plans, and putting a plan of action together.

It feels good to be pursuing something, to have goals again. Awhile back life knocked me off of my horse and I finally feel ready to climb in that saddle, click my heels, and shout "yee-haw" once again. It's a nice feeling.

These days I can't control but much but what I can control THIS moment. Not the last and certainly not the next. What I have is right now. This moment, this time, this choice to be happy, peaceful, and worry free.

I'll leave you with two of my favorite songs of late. The first song I've loved for a very long time. However, I just recently listened to the lyrics and fell even more in love with the tune.

A long time ago
A million years BC
The best things in life
Were absolutely free.
But no one appreciated
A sky that was always blue.
And no one congratulated
A moon that was always new.
So it was planned that they would vanish now and them
And you must pay before you get them back again.
That's what storms were made for
And you shouldn't be afraid for
Every time it rains it rains
Pennies from heaven.
Don't you know each cloud contains
Pennies from heaven.
You'll find yor fortune falling
All over town.
Be sure that your umbrella is upside down.
Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers.
If you want the things you love
You must have showers.
So when you hear it thunder
Don't run under a tree.
There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me 


The second does not have much to do with my post. I simply love the song and thought I'd share. The lyrics and harmonies take me to another place. Time suspends, my soul feels weightless and free when I listen to it. Enjoy.