Paradigm Shift

 Today I took Mela in (of course, she goes wherever I go) to have a 4D ultrasound. It. Was. Awesome. The cherry on top of the whipped cream that was this week. 

Nothing particularly out of the ordinary (4D scan aside) took place this week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, all came in the same order, same pace, and pretty much all unfolded about the same. What DID happen was a mental shift that's been a long time in the making. As I've said many a time, positive thinking is hard work. Exercise. You have to flex a set of muscles that most of us are not used to flexing. This week while staring in the mental mirror, I finally spotted some definition. 

I've seen the other side of the equation and it is brilliant! So much opportunity, joy, success, and overall excitement lies ahead. 

Mela is a huge part of the paradigm shift. This week the miracle of her existence has set in. 

Prior to this week I'd been consumed with worry at night. I'd lie in bed with questions swirling around my head: How am I going to do this by myself? How will I provide for her? Will she be happy? Why is this situation so difficult? Why do people act the way they do? Do I even know what I want to be when I grow up? Will her and I be perpetually trying to keep the wolf away from the door? Etc. etc. etc. (Off topic but every time I say or write "etc. etc. etc." I think of this, starts at mark 2:10.) 

Finally I found myself pleading with the good Lord above to send some sort of relief. To give me some clarity and/or peace on the situation. I'm not sure what the maximum decibel is for mental pleading but I'm sure I reached it, if not exceeded it.

After that last night of pleading God delivered joy and peace just as sure as He does the morning (I felt a little like this but on a much smaller scale). While the change itself was not sudden, the realization certainly was. The change has been steady. Positivity, prospect, hope, slowly creeping in with every negative thought I've actively fought off. It was until I was re-evaluating my life that I spotted the change. It was the best feeling to finally feel like I had some perspective on things, to finally realize how small some things are in regards to grand scale of life.

You know how sometimes you KNOW things shouldn't be as big of a deal as they are but that information hasn't reached your heart yet? So while you know that it's wrong/futile to be upset it's hard to actually not be? That's what I was struggling with before the peace set in.

When the peace hit I was able to see the sheer brilliance of what lies ahead for Mela and I. We have a lot going for us girls and I can't wait to see her dreams and mine come to fruition.

Now, when I lay in bed at night, instead of worry, I praise on instant repeat. At the highest possible mental decibel level I praise and thank God for this little baby growing inside of me. She is such a little miracle. Seeing the 4D scan only helps further drive those feelings home. She is so beautiful and so blessed to be coming into an environment where I know she is loved. She will be taken care of. While her and I will have bumps in our path, we will never reach a point we can't return from. We've got a great support system in place.

There is a spoken word piece called "Sign Language" (see below) by a poet who goes by the name of Rives. The piece is about his experience working with kids at a def high school. He goes through the various types of poems the kids write and his perspective as someone listening. It is very powerful and beautifully written like all of his other work. While his topic is totally different than my post tonight, the last few lines of his piece reflect the earnesty and sincerity I feel every night for the gift that is Mela.

Original lines: "I was born as def and as quiet as a starfish but if I had been born a man I would pray to the Lord above every night at the top of my fucking lungs just to thank Him for giving me voice."

Personal adaptation: "I've been as selfish and clueless as a teenager for many years but since I've become a mother, each night I pray to the good Lord above as loudly and exuberantly as I possibly can just to thank Him for giving me Mela."

Each night as I fall asleep, I hold her and can't help but count every last lucky star I've ever had because she is on her way.

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"Sign Language"



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Paradigm shifts are "the springtime that always seems to show up right after the winter" (a line from another great piece which I have also posted below). The shifts will come and eventually we will tire of them, bury them, and make room for more. It is my wish that whatever and wherever yours may be, that it hops on the good foot and reaches you soon.

If it feels like it's never going to come, just wait a little bit longer, I promise that if you do the work, it has no choice but to arrive. For those whose paradigm shift is still en route I leave you with the piece below. I know that any time I've felt stagnant, lost, confused, hopeless, it helps re-ignite that "life" fire in my soul. Hopefully you feel it too.

"Shake the Dust"
Anis Mojgani